Hey Recycling Guy!

Quiz brought to you by Adam's Blog.

Bad news, girls.

Chivalry is dead.

Or at least suffering from sort of debilitating virus. It’s quite tragic, really.

A few days ago I was downtown after the Macy’s Holiday Parade (nothing like New York’s of course). My little brother and sister were in it, so I had to drag my butt out of bed to go watch it, of course.

So I part ways with my parents and decide to head home, and as I pull out of the parking garage, I feel a funny dragging with my car.




Sonufa…

Flat tire. Flat flat flat. I must have run over something in the garage.

So I pull over to the side, and flip on my emergency flashers. I get out my spare, my jack, and my lugnut wrench to get to work.

Just my luck, I can’t get my jack up. My guess is that it’s just tight from not being used for so long. I mean, I haven’t used it since I got the car almost two years ago. So the punk was too tight for me to loosen.

So I call the fam to see if they’re still downtown so I can enlist the help of my step-dad. They are, but they had just ordered lunch so they’d have to eat it real quick and then come down.

So I waited there on the corner of Broadway and Washington waiting…and waiting. For 30 minutes.

Many a strapping young lad & capable looking men (and women) walked by…and not one damn person said a word to me. I mean come on, is this not a damsel in distress moment? I was sure to look distraught in need of assistance, and still nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I mean, there were four guys having coffee directly across the street from me at Seattle’s Best. Could they not spare a few minutes and help me get my jack loose? (K, that sounded kind of risqué).

But seriously?

Must I do something drastic like this?





Puleeeze.

So guys, if you see a damsel in distress, help her out, will you?

Sing a song of sixpence

Alright, people. We finally have a date.

January 5th.

So perhaps I can start the new year breathing freely. Well...at least a month into it or so. And my first class of the new term will be on January 10th, so that will give me five days to recuperate. I'm definitely going to take a week off of work, though. So I won't go back to work until the 12th at the earliest.



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So the biggest shopping day of the year is on Friday, so I thought I should give you a heads up on what I want you to get me for Christmas:



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Victoria's Secret "Fantasy Bra." It's completely covered in diamonds, and I think it's only $6.6 million this year. Better get those loan forms filled out!

[Doesn't that thing look totally uncomfortable? And doesn't it...pinch?]

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In other news, my friend picked out her wedding dress on Sunday, and it is very lovely. Needless to say, now she's even more excited than she already was. I need a more intense phrase than "bouncing off the walls" because kids, she's outta control excited.



And our bridesmaids dresses aren't too bad, either:





For my friends in the US of A who celebrate it, have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Visiting the Bitter Barn

I'm totally in the Bitter Barn today. I'm not really sure why, but I'm feeling extra crappy and snotty today. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the homework free-for-all I have going on, maybe the snot is running out of places to go. Who knows. But I am a Grumpy Grumpterton because of it.

And I have noticed a side effect of my current ailment. I have zero sympathy for people who have colds. Absolutely zero. I just want to take their little heads in my hands, shake them a little, and say, "Sick?? You think you're sick?! I'll show you sick, punk!"

My sister is the latest victim of this side effect. I had a very difficult time not rolling my eyes as she sniffled and looked pathetic and complained that she felt stuffed up.

Stuffed. Up.

I wanted to kill her.

Yes, I realize this is extremely insensitive, but I'm just about to the brink of can't-take-it-anymore status. I'm starting to consider snorting Diet 7up like my dad suggested. Sure, he was joking, but what the hell? Nothing else has worked.


So on that happy little rant (I'll work on my attitude problem, I promise), I would just like to say, I am really excited for some turkey. So excited, in fact, that I felt it necessary to draw you a picture of said turkey, pre-head chopping off:



I just hope my sister is feeling better by Thursday. Because if she talks about her cold during our commute to visit the fam, I might just have to stuff her little snot box in the trunk.


And because I'm not totally selfish, I just need to say that this is really awful.

Oh, and also? HAHAhahahaahaHAHAHAhahaha!!

Purple

I stole this from my new Twilight Zone friend, Madge, who incidentally, has just opened a new blog.

Things I have done in my life (so far): Highlighted Purple

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain (actually it was a volcano)

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said I love you and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby's diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity (which I shamefully later regretted)

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched wild whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe.

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero (what do you mean pretend?)

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theater

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites (Roman and Incan!)

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an expert

83. Got flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback (???)

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone's heart

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a T.V. game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (Does a BB Gun count?)

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach (not on purpose)

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey

135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish when I went camping!)

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office (not yet)

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

150. Saved someone’s life

Somebody turn on the sun.

Alright, it’s getting down to the wire, folks. I only have a few weeks left of my first term of grad school, and I have four projects with looming due dates. So if posting is few and far between in the next couple of weeks, it’s not because I don’t love you.

I did, however, find some time to play around with a warping website that lets you play with celebrities.


Angelina "I use children as accessories" Jolie


Britney "K-Fed Wants How Much $??" Spears


Paris "That's Hot" Hilton


George "Heckuva Job" Bush

In other news, I just can’t quite wrap my mind around this. And that’s all I really have to say about that.


In other other news, I got an email from myself the other day. I forgot that I participated in the email time capsule Forbes did last year. And I guess I’m part of the 33% who chose to have it sent in a year.

Apparently I was having a total dork moment because this is all I wrote to myself:

Aha! Self—I’ll bet you forgot you did this, didn’t you? (yes, yes I did) What a strange thing to get a message from yourself in the past. (dork!)

Hopefully you are enrolled at PSU in the Master’s program for Public Admin. Are you? (Yes, I am!) Or are did they decide to be retarded and not let you in? Hopefully you’re not too bogged down with work and nonsense. (Not too bad, no)

Did Megan and Jared finally get married? Or did she wise up? (No, she did not wise up)

I hope things are great this year—if not, go make them be! (I’m too full of mucous, I’ll try again later)

Love,

Yourself.

Like I said: total dork moment. But it was still fun to see it in my Inbox.

Sunofa...

So I still hadn't heard from my doctor about scheduling my surgery, so I called today to see what was up.



Well, turns out, my doctor is totally booked. They only do the schedule 6 weeks out, and he's booked through December. Which, if you remember, is exactly when I was hoping to get it done. So I'm a little frustrated by that, but what can I do?

The appointment lady said they're trying to see if they can put more times in for him, but there's no guarantee. So I had her write on my record for the first week of January if possible, and December if they can squeeze me in. But I probably won't know until next week. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this is very annoying.

I was sweet as sugar to her (after all, it's not her fault), so maybe she'll be more inclined to help me out. :)

I guess we'll see.

Until then, the snot continues.

Oh, snap.

Dear Ms. K______;
The Registrar's Office has deleted your records from our information system at your request.
Thank you for your inquiry.


Sincerely,

Timothy J. Ebner, Registrar
University of Utah

I want to be a cat in my next life...

Must be tough.

Hyphens

I’m still popping the champagne today after the decimation of snarling elephants yesterday. Yippee!

But I have a story for you. And I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up. And I don’t mean to get into a Nancy-Kerrigan-“why-me” mode, but seriously: Why does the weird shit always happen to me??

So I get home from work tomorrow, run in to use the bathroom and grab my school stuff to go study in the library. So I head downstairs to the throne room and
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Wait for it
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WTF?!!?


A DEAD GODDAMN RAT IN MY TOILET. A RAT! A RAT, PEOPLE! WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS THERE A MOTHER-LOVING RAT IN MY TOILET??



Needless to say, the floating carcass nearly scared me half to death, but I am proud to say there was no yelling, fainting, or swearing involved at the time. I just slammed down the toilet seat and ran upstairs to call my landlord.

“Uh, William? This is Jennifer in #____. I have an…unusual situation.”

“Okaaaay…”

“There is a huge dead rat in my toilet.”

“WHAT? Oh my God, I’ll be down in five minutes.”

This is apparently not that rare. Rats will make their way up sewer pipes and out people’s toilets. If you’re really lucky, they’ll still be alive when they emerge, and if your lid’s open, they’ll jump out and terrorize you! Isn’t that fun!? Luckily, my lid was down, so the little bastard drowned.

Five minutes more of holding my bladder as I stand trying to shake off the heebie-jeebie disgustingness of the situation, he knocks on my door, rubber gloves and bucket in hand.

We head down to the bathroom where he peeks in the lid, slams it down and shouts “Oh my lord!
….
….
….
Um, did you try flushing it?”

“Uh, no.”

“K, I’m going to try flushing it.”

“What if it gets stuck??”

“Well…theoretically, if it came up, it should go back down, right?”

“Um, I guess so…well, the plunger’s next to the toilet if you need it.”

*flush*

Little bastard didn’t go down.

*flush*

Still won’t go down.

Admitting defeat, William looks at me, sighs, and says “I’m going in.”

“Do you want like a paper towel or something?”

“No, I just need some scotch.”

So he reaches his gloved hand in, picks it up by it’s tail, and drops its bloated little mongrel body in the bucket.

Seriously. Why? I do not understand why the weird stuff always happens to me.

And now it’s not just the weird stuff, it’s the horror-movie, Twilight-Zone, can’t-sleep-because-you-think-you-hear-a-rat-scratching-the-bottom-of-the-bowl disgusting stuff.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On a completely related note, I have to have surgery on my sinuses.

This does not make me happy. I went back to the doctor today, and he compared last month’s CAT Scan to this month’s CAT Scan, and although I’m feeling considerably better, my sinuses (especially in the back of my head) are actually worse.

So now I have to have put-you-under 3-hour endoscopic we’ll-try-not-to-sever-your-optic-nerve surgery. Some lovely you’ll-need-about-a-week-to-recover surgery. Basically, some I-really-don’t-have-the-time-to-deal-with-this-BS-surgery.

But alas, I’m going to do it. I don’t know when, but hopefully in December when I’m between terms for school. They’ll probably call tomorrow to schedule it.

Memo to myself: stop googling Sinus Surgery because you’ll end up reading scary stories like this. Or this.

I need a cocktail.

Can I get a HALLELUJAH?!?

This is the best damn day EVER. EVER.

Nananana, Nananana, Hey Hey Hey, GOOD-BYE!



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Governor Ted Kulongoski: RE-ELECTED!!

Oregon Measure 41 : FAILED!!

Oregon Measure 48: FAILED!!

Oregon Library Levy: PASSED!!

Portland Public Schools: PASSED!!

Every damn thing I voted for/against: WENT MY WAY!!

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Pass the champagne glasses, baby, it's time to celebrate!

CHEERS!!!

Baby, it's wet outside.

Bloody hell.

My goof-off time at work has gone down significantly in the last few days—I don’t know what the deal is, but suddenly everyone wants something from me! Don’t they realize that I don’t want to work all the time? Sheesh.

I finally saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend, and I can now say that I was definitely entertained. Meryl Streep was of course fantastic, and Anne Hathaway did a pretty good job. I think they probably could have cast her part a little better, but I like her, so it was OK. I mean, she was in the Princess Diaries, which is a badass movie. She was also in Brokeback Mountain and shocked the hell out of me when she flung her top off to get it on with Jake Gyllenhaal. Lucky bitch. [whew, that was a lot of links]



ANYWAY. The movie was at the Laurelhurst Theater, which is always a fun time because all movies are 3 bucks and they serve Pizzacato pizza and beer! I mean, you can’t go wrong with that. And since it’s now lovely and Autumn-like, they had hard apple cider. Yum-O.



After the movie we headed up the street a bit to Wine Down, which was a completely adorable wine bar with fabulous desserts. Our waiter, Tim, was a very strange man, but he was nice and meant well. I can’t remember what kind of wine we had, but it was from España. Excelente.



Switching gears completely, what is UP with the downpour people?!? Yes, I know I live in Oregon, so I’m asking for it, but the last few days have been ridiculous. Last night on my way to class, everyone was driving like idiots. There was a lot of flooding and standing water so, naturally, there was some hydroplaning going on. What were they doing? Slamming on their brakes. Um, Rule #1 when you’re hydroplaning: don’t hit the brakes, idiot! Grrrr!

Luckily, I planned ahead for the craziness and left 15 minutes earlier than usual. Good thing I did, too, because I was just in time for class!



And today is November 7th. Which means it’s time to vote, people! We Oregonians are cool, so we have mail-in ballots, so naturally, I already voted. But if you’re in another part of the states, head the polls! There are some very vital decisions to be made, and we have to make them happen. So go vote. And if you don’t, I don’t want to hear a peep if things go to the crapper (some more).

My brush with fame

See, Tristan, I'm excited about it!

Apparently I made the front page of Digg with my stupid parking ticket story! I'm sure I'm not savvy enough to know how cool it really is, but I'm quite flattered that I'm on there.

I'm on the page for Offbeat News.

And you can see my entry here.

And even if they called me a dude (HELLO, it says Jennifer in the story), it's still pretty badass. :)