But I have a story for you. And I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up. And I don’t mean to get into a Nancy-Kerrigan-“why-me” mode, but seriously: Why does the weird shit always happen to me??
So I get home from work tomorrow, run in to use the bathroom and grab my school stuff to go study in the library. So I head downstairs to the throne room and
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Wait for it
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WTF?!!?
A DEAD GODDAMN RAT IN MY TOILET. A RAT! A RAT, PEOPLE! WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS THERE A MOTHER-LOVING RAT IN MY TOILET??
Needless to say, the floating carcass nearly scared me half to death, but I am proud to say there was no yelling, fainting, or swearing involved at the time. I just slammed down the toilet seat and ran upstairs to call my landlord.
“Uh, William? This is Jennifer in #____. I have an…unusual situation.”
“Okaaaay…”
“There is a huge dead rat in my toilet.”
“WHAT? Oh my God, I’ll be down in five minutes.”
This is apparently not that rare. Rats will make their way up sewer pipes and out people’s toilets. If you’re really lucky, they’ll still be alive when they emerge, and if your lid’s open, they’ll jump out and terrorize you! Isn’t that fun!? Luckily, my lid was down, so the little bastard drowned.
Five minutes more of holding my bladder as I stand trying to shake off the heebie-jeebie disgustingness of the situation, he knocks on my door, rubber gloves and bucket in hand.
We head down to the bathroom where he peeks in the lid, slams it down and shouts “Oh my lord!
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Um, did you try flushing it?”
“Uh, no.”
“K, I’m going to try flushing it.”
“What if it gets stuck??”
“Well…theoretically, if it came up, it should go back down, right?”
“Um, I guess so…well, the plunger’s next to the toilet if you need it.”
*flush*
Little bastard didn’t go down.
*flush*
Still won’t go down.
Admitting defeat, William looks at me, sighs, and says “I’m going in.”
“Do you want like a paper towel or something?”
“No, I just need some scotch.”
So he reaches his gloved hand in, picks it up by it’s tail, and drops its bloated little mongrel body in the bucket.
Seriously. Why? I do not understand why the weird stuff always happens to me.
And now it’s not just the weird stuff, it’s the horror-movie, Twilight-Zone, can’t-sleep-because-you-think-you-hear-a-rat-scratching-the-bottom-of-the-bowl disgusting stuff.
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On a completely related note, I have to have surgery on my sinuses.
This does not make me happy. I went back to the doctor today, and he compared last month’s CAT Scan to this month’s CAT Scan, and although I’m feeling considerably better, my sinuses (especially in the back of my head) are actually worse.
So now I have to have put-you-under 3-hour endoscopic we’ll-try-not-to-sever-your-optic-nerve surgery. Some lovely you’ll-need-about-a-week-to-recover surgery. Basically, some I-really-don’t-have-the-time-to-deal-with-this-BS-surgery.
But alas, I’m going to do it. I don’t know when, but hopefully in December when I’m between terms for school. They’ll probably call tomorrow to schedule it.
Memo to myself: stop googling Sinus Surgery because you’ll end up reading scary stories like this. Or this.
I need a cocktail.
6 comments:
Well shit. That sucks. I'm refering to the surgery.
The rat is kind of cool. It makes for a wonderful story. Now if I'm the landlord, I don't even bother trying to flush the SOB. I would just pick it up and get it over with. Who tries to flush it? C'mon.
Well maybe not pick it up with my hands. Maybe use like kitchen tongs or something.
Oh my god. I need a cocktail.
Just think how much worse it could have been--say, if it crawled up while you were using said crapper...
Well it wouldn't let me put an image tag. But I thought this was fitting of the situation.
Take This for Safety
Dead Rats! Sinus Surgery! Parking Tickets from Different States! Glass on the Beach Issues! Blogs Getting HiJacked!
I know it's a blog and we all love reading about other peoples lives. But I mean come on. I hope something good happens for you. Hope a Stiff Cocktail got your mind into an interesting blur.
Makes you feel any better. I heard a really bad joke I was going to use for the Friday joke.
Post it here early. What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
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You don't hear the enzyme!
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Okay Bad I know. Happy Friday hope your weekend is ratless. Tomorrow I get to enjoy a nice beer at work for the IT world of Beer Friday!
Cheers!
Five minutes later and I'm still trying to process how it must feel to find a rat in your toilet. Seriously, I admire you for acting so calmly in the face of... well... that. (And I'm not one of those who can't see a rat, but this is totally different).
About the surgery. My sister was operated on her sinuses as well and everything went really well. Just think of all the good things to come afterwards!
Have a great ORDINARY weekend!
Thanks, kids. :)
A/B--My landlord is a little, well, feminine...so I think he was just as horrified as I was.
Madge--Tell me about it.
Adam--Yeah, thanks. Now I'm going to think about that every time I need to use the facility.
Tristan--Thanks. And I had to read the joke twice, but I have to admit that was funny! Must find someone to tell it to.
Cristina--Thanks for that. It helps to know others who have had it done!
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