Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ned Flanders would get it.

I’ve seen this circulated through e-mail and MySpace and Buddha knows what else dozens of times, but you know, it just doesn’t stop being funny! Besides Tristan and maybe Linda who used to live over here, these may not seem funny to you, but laugh anyway! I’m going to bold the ones that are true for me.

I present to you—

You know you’re from the Pacific Northwest when…



Your children learned to walk in Birkenstocks.
You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
You complain about Californians
as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.
You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.
You consider something a "hill" (not a mountain) if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.
You consider "etiquette" a foreign word.
Most of your friends are from California.
You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner.
You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly.
You've ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).
You know a bride & groom that registered at REI.
If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.
You'd be miffed if the store was out of your favorite brand of water.
Every day is casual Friday.
Hear the word "ferry" and think of boats and long waits.
Know at least eight people who work for Intel or Nike, or used to work for Tektronix. (I know 12)
You think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, in snow or water.

Know that Boring is a town and not just a state of mind.
Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. (My costumes were)
You return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner’s policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides
You never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
You believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them. (I only have like 3)
You think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there, once. (Panhandlers are not scary).
You replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals when the weather gets above 60 degrees.
You believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.
Use the statement “sun break” and know what it means.
You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal. (I totally do this!)
You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and Willamette. Also…Snohomish, Skykomish, Swinomish, Squamish, Squaxim, and Skookumchuck.
In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.
You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
You notice “the mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
You measure distance in hours.
You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall)
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Oregon.


Hm. I guess I pretty much bolded the whole damn thing! :)

Monday, August 28, 2006

Welcome to the Beaver State

Did you know that it takes precisely 42.036 annoying requests from a 9-year-old and an 11-year-old before you finally break down and shout “FINE! You can go on a goddamn ride!”

You didn’t?

Well, there you are. Learn something new every day.

You guessed it—I went to the Oregon State Fair yesterday. And if you’re ever having one of those days where you think, “man, I’m weird,” just go to a state fair and you’ll remember that you’re practically royalty. There was this woman…I can’t make myself go into details…but she should not be wearing a tube top and daisy dukes.

While I’m at it, did you know it costs an average of $3.50 to go on one blasted ride? ONE ride that lasts like 90 seconds? I can get a Frappucino for that amount, thanks. And it lasts longer than 90 seconds.

Also, if you normally eat pretty healthy and don’t consume fried foods, don’t eat anything at the fair. You will suffer the next day. Trust me.

Furthermore, don’t wear white flip flops (I know what you’re thinking—DUH). Not only are my flips flops toast, but my feet were so dirty that it looked like I was still wearing white flips flops after I took them off. Say it with me-- eeeew.

Originally, I was to meet my mom, step-dad, and two younger siblings at the fair for a rompin good time. Then mom calls and it turns out she has to work until 4:00. So she decides that I can just drive my ass on over and take the kids and my step-dad to the fair and she’ll just meet us there when she gets off work. Oh, but don’t have the kids go on rides till she gets there—she doesn’t want to miss that. So that means I had to drive my butt all the way to the coast, then all the way back to the valley. Luckily I had my hot new stereo and SexyBack to entertain me. Which, in turn, entertained all those who passed me on the freeway as I rocked out.

Well we got to the fair at 1:00. She didn’t get there until 6:00. That means five hours of walking around the fair booths keeping two children at bay while they loathe the fact that they can’t go on rides. But at the 42.036th time asking, dad has a brain hemorrhage gives in and lets them ride two to tide them over.

This, of course, backfires and they only whine louder. Luckily mom arrived shortly thereafter.

Not so luckily, she was ready to go walking around the booths.

On a completely unrelated note, I can’t stop laughing at this story. I know that makes me a bad person.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I'm trippin'

So bored at work this morning I was reading up on the JonBenet Ramsey murder history on crimelibrary.com. In the story it talks about how back in 1998 a psychic came up with this drawing of what she thought the killer looked like:



Here's a pic of the recent suspect, John Mark Karr:



I hate to be one of those weirdos who gets sucked into crazy sensationalist media stories, but I must admit that that drawing does look an awful lot like him.

OK, I'm done now.

*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*I must not get sucked into sensationalist media*

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The cheese is old and moldy.

I’m really starting to wonder what’s up with Bob. He came around last night at about 9pm (so I was still awake and upstairs). My windows were open and Jane and I were chillin on the couch when we heard this “Meeerrrrrroooowww” coming from outside. I look out my window and sure enough, the little bugger was staring up at us from down below. Jane just kind of looked at him like he was a total idiot which I thought was kind of funny. But the little shit darling wouldn’t leave so I went and got a cup with some water in it and went to open my back door. My back door leads to stairs that go to the ground and Bob was at the bottom of the stairs staring up at me. I toss the water at him (missing him, somehow) and he bolted.

Two minutes later we hear it again: “meerrrrrrrooooooOOOOOWWW!!” This time I fill the cup full of water and open my back door. This time, Bob starts coming up the stairs as if I’m going to let him inside! What is the deal with this cat? Does he think he lives here? Does he think we’re friends? Do his owners neglect him so in some bizarre way he’s trying to be buddy-buddy with the strange woman that throws water at him? I can’t say I know, but I was so surprised by him running at me that I tossed the water and this time got him good, right on the back. He bolted again, this time not to return.



And of course now I’m feeling guilty. I threw water on a cat that is obviously in some major need for lovin. Either that or it was a ploy to jump me and scratch my eyes out. But you know what? The little bugger keeps waking me up at 4am! He needed some water on his hide! Right?! Right?? Damn. I’m rationalizing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

ANYWAY, in other news, I must admit I am rather liking the new Justin Timberlake song, “SexyBack.” This is a little out of the ordinary since I don’t really listen to hip hop or pop or whatever you want to call it, but I can’t help myself—I love this song! A similar phenomenon happened a couple years ago with Britney Spears’ song “Toxic.” Something about it kind of makes me want to go find somebody to make out with.



I just noticed that both of these songs have “X”s in them. Maybe there’s something about the sound “X” makes. X. X. x. Hm. Nope, nuthin.

Good lord I’m weird.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I bought a new car stereo on Friday. A very nice gentleman at Car Toys hooked me up. I had to pay for the installation (usually it’s free) because Idiot Criminal cut my wires, but all in all it was a pretty good deal. And it’s just so lovely:

And he said if I come back (maybe next month) he’ll give me a deal on some new speakers because as he put it, and I quote, “You need new speakers. The installation guy and I were just talking about how crappy they are. It only takes 10 minutes to install them.” I’d be offended but he’s right—they are crappy. I just don’t want to buy speakers that are going to make me go bumping to the base line down the road like some moron. And guys, if you do that, stop. It’s not sexy. You look like an idiot.

So if you see a girl rockin out to SexyBack in her little white Honda, be sure to wave. It’s probably me.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Pay no attention the man behind the curtain!

First, I must start by saying this is totally crazy. I am shocked that this case might be solved. I mean ten years. I was 14. Just wild.

And I must say, holy Creepy Creeperton:




And, it looks like one of my favorite little villages in Ecuador is covered in ash. I visited Banos twice while I was there, and just loved that little town. We even rode horses up to the volcano (which in retrospect was not the best idea). Although the article doesn’t specifically mention Banos (other than the picture) I’m still worried because Banos is literally at the base of the mountain. I have a picture of me somewhere standing on the side of the volcano with the city down below me. That makes me sad.



On a lighter note, I’m taking a vacation day tomorrow! Yay! My friends and I are headed for a girls weekend at the beach where we will drink cocktails and check out cute boys playing volleyball. Well, that’s the plan anyway. I’m ready to escape work for a bit, even if it’s only for a few days.

And A/B, I'm sorry I don't have juicier gossip for you about my friend, but I really don't. We never went that route--he had a girlfriend when we met. Not to mention he lives on the other side of the country. AND I haven't seen him in three years. But if any of that changes, you'll be the first to know. ;)

In other news, a professor stopped by the library today to return a piece of work she borrowed from the library about six years ago. This library for the most part has really crappy art. And I guess six years ago they knew it was crappy because they were all in a closet somewhere. So this professor rescued it from the closet and put it up in her office.

Anyway, she returned it today, and I looked at it…did a double-take. It is an original Salvador Dali! It’s a lithograph of some kind because it’s numbered, and it’s even SIGNED. SIGNED, people. I started freaking out immediately, which in turn freaked out my coworkers because they didn’t understand why I think this is so freaking cool. [They must not have noticed the two Dali posters I have up in my office].

The professor thought I was funny and said, “you know, I think there’s two more floating around the library somewhere.”

WHAT!?!

So she and I went on a little hunt and sho nough there are TWO MORE signed lithographs by Salvador-freakin-Dali. And they’re seriously in some back random ass corner where no one ever goes! I was like, “Dudes, I think these would look better in my office…” But I got denied.

But there are three Dalis where I work.

I think that makes me special.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Baby, light my fire...

Alright, Bob will not effing give it up. I have decided I’m going to put Cayenne pepper in the squirt bottle. I figure this way, if I get the little bugger with the water, he’ll have to lick it off and maybe it’ll put a fire in his ass to stay away from my window!

I’ll keep you updated on Adventures with Bob.

In other news, the Bite of Oregon was this weekend, and while Snow Patrol couldn’t make it through security in London (no idea why not), it will still fun. I got a lovely souvenir wine glass which I used to taste many fabulous Oregon wines. I also got an Oregon vineyard and winery guide, so I sense a field trip coming up!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A good friend of mine is serving in the Peace Corps in Panama. I’m going to send a care package to him, and I need to see if I’ve missed something important! I asked him if there was anything in particular he wanted, and there was, so I added those to the list. He’s in a very very rural area. A lot of people around him speak Spanish, but there’s also a tribal language he’s learning.

I thought about going into the Peace Corps after college. I also thought about applying for a Fulbright, but in the end, I decided I just really needed a break from studying & adventures. And although I’m extremely glad I decided to take some time off, hearing about his adventures does give me a few pangs of jealousy! :) But he’s very good about sending me postcards and keeping me updated on his adventures, so it won’t hurt to live vicariously through him for a while. And I keep him updated on worldly news while he’s away, so it works out well.

I actually met him while I was studying abroad in Ecuador-we were gallivanting around the country for five months, it was great! He’s actually from Delaware, so I haven’t seen him since we left in May of ’03, but we’ve kept in touch all this time.

Anyway, so this is the list of things he asked for:

Huy Fong Sriracha Sauce (apparently it’s some fabulous Thai sauce)
A cookbook
A big map of the U.S.
A picture of me
Connect Four (the game!)

I added the following after some thought and some Internet browsing:

Time & Newsweek magazines (from the last few weeks anyway)
A couple of books (I haven’t decided which yet)
Instant Gatorade (the powdered kind in case he gets sick)
A jar of Oregon jam
A t-shirt from Portland State Univ.
Some Peanut M&Ms
Marshmallows
Ziploc Bags

Anything else you’d want if you were cut off from civilization? I mean, obviously I’ll probably send other packages eventually, so if I forget something, I can always add it later.

And you’re probably thinking Ziploc bags is a weird choice, but I was surfing Peace Corps sites and blogs and message boards, and apparently Ziploc bags are like gold for some reason. Weird, huh?

On a final note, I just have to add this picture. It's one I've gotten back from before the wedding when I was getting my hair tortured done. No wonder it took me 30 minutes and half a bottle of conditioner to get the tangles out...

I swear I'm under there somewhere...

[I just noticed it kind of looks like I have a black eye in this pic, but it's just my hair in my face!]

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bad news, bombs, and books

Tragedy has struck. My shoes don’t fit. I don’t really understand why, either! I have some of the same designer’s shoes and they fit fine. So I’m going to return them and order a different pair (I’d get the next size up, but there isn’t one).

Sigh.

In other news, Matt Lauer is my hero for this interview. And the President of BP looks like an even bigger asshole.

And I hope the US takes notes from GB on how to foil terror plots BEFORE they are carried out. And Bush, don’t act like you’re the one who foiled it. Idiot.


And I thought this little survey was cute—and I’m tagging all of you to fill it out, too!


One Book

One book that changed your life:
The Diary of Anne Frank



One book that you’ve read more than once:

Jane Eyre


One book you’d want on a desert island:
War & Peace—that’s probably the only way I’d get through it—on a desert Island.



One book that made you laugh:
The Idiot-Girls Action Adventure Club



One book that made you cry:
The Kite Runner



One book that you wish had been written:
Stay the Course: The Impeachment of George W. Bush



One book that you wish had never been written:
Catcher in the Rye. (Sorry, I can’t stand that book.)



One book you’re currently reading:
Classics of Public Administration (yes, I’m a dork, I want a head start on school.)



One book you’ve been meaning to read:
I have a pile. Next on the list is The Bronte Project.



Now tag five or six people:
Tag! You’re it!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Mrrrrrrrewwwwoooooooww!!!!!


HISS!!! Fft fft! Reeeeerrrrrrowowwwwwww.

This is what I woke up to at 4am this morning.

[Bleepity bleep bleep] cat son of a [bleepity].

Some neighborhood cat likes to come and torture my cat. My bedroom is sort of in a basement—the windowsill is even with the ground outside. Jane likes to sit in the windowsill and sleep or chill or soak up some sun during the day. So this morning she was chillin on the sill when the frickin frackin neighbor cat (we’ll call him Bob) comes along to taunt her. So then they start fighting through the window. It’s like they’re trying to scratch each other to pieces through the glass.

If it hadn’t been 4am, it might have been funny.

But you would not believe the noise this causes. Not only are both scratching the window and prancing about and hissing and moaning and bitching and meowing, but Jane is also running back and forth smashing around the blinds on my window and causing me great sleep deprivation. Bob isn’t helping because he keep pacing about outside.



This isn’t the first time they’ve had an episode like this. My friend told me to get a squirt bottle and spray the intruder through my screen. Of course I didn’t listen, so I had no squirt bottle. So I stumble out of bed, try to wrap a blanket around myself so I don’t flash anyone who might be up at 4am, throw open the window and start spraying the shit out of the cat with…yes folks, my hairspray.

Apparently at 4am I am white trash.

And the cat backed off for a while, but wouldn’t give it up, so I decided that I was just going to kick Jane’s butt out of my room and shut my doors (which I have never done before). Of course, Jane’s in fight mode, so this won’t be easy if I want to keep my appendages. So in a further display of classy behavior, I take the blanket off, grab my cat with it, and toss her out as she drools and hisses and claws at me. I put her on the other side of my door and say “you’re sleeping upstairs.” She looks at me, totally dejected, and runs upstairs.

Bob’s not quite done yet, though, and in a last-ditch effort he scratches at my window again to see if Jane will come back. Ha ha you little shit, game’s up!



When I opened my bedroom door this morning, there was Jane at the top of my stairs, looking quite pissed with her ears back. She gave me a resounding “me-OW!” and walked off. But she loved me again once I gave her some food.

So I’ll be stopping off at the store after work for a spray bottle.

…And a new bottle of hairspray. And maybe something to clean the sticky residue off my window screen.


But I caved. I bought my shoes. They should be here on Wednesday. Hey, I needed some shoe therapy.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Idiot Criminal of the Day Award goes to:


Whatever moron broke into my car last night.


First of all, though, I am thankful he didn't break my window--the nice police man said he probably used a shaved Honda key and that since my car is so old, he could get in that way.


So Idiot Criminal gets into my car to steal my stereo. Correction: my non-working stereo.

Furthermore he saw the face plate and probably thought, "cool, a CD player." Then my car said "Not! I'm just a tape player! Neener neener."


Then Idiot Criminal took my portable CD player (that I hooked up to my tape player) that is almost as old as my little brother. I bought it in 1995.


He did not, however, choose to take any of my CD's. I'm not sure if I should take this as an insult...does this mean he didn't like my music?


He also, as a last resort I might guess, got into my trunk to see perhaps if I had the CD player back there.


D'oh! Nothin but jumper cables and a first aid kit...which I think made him mad because he made quite a mess back there.


So in the end, boys and girls, crime [quite literally] doesn't pay.

I've been wanting a new stereo... I guess now's the time! :)