Hyphens

I’m still popping the champagne today after the decimation of snarling elephants yesterday. Yippee!

But I have a story for you. And I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up. And I don’t mean to get into a Nancy-Kerrigan-“why-me” mode, but seriously: Why does the weird shit always happen to me??

So I get home from work tomorrow, run in to use the bathroom and grab my school stuff to go study in the library. So I head downstairs to the throne room and
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Wait for it
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WTF?!!?


A DEAD GODDAMN RAT IN MY TOILET. A RAT! A RAT, PEOPLE! WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS THERE A MOTHER-LOVING RAT IN MY TOILET??



Needless to say, the floating carcass nearly scared me half to death, but I am proud to say there was no yelling, fainting, or swearing involved at the time. I just slammed down the toilet seat and ran upstairs to call my landlord.

“Uh, William? This is Jennifer in #____. I have an…unusual situation.”

“Okaaaay…”

“There is a huge dead rat in my toilet.”

“WHAT? Oh my God, I’ll be down in five minutes.”

This is apparently not that rare. Rats will make their way up sewer pipes and out people’s toilets. If you’re really lucky, they’ll still be alive when they emerge, and if your lid’s open, they’ll jump out and terrorize you! Isn’t that fun!? Luckily, my lid was down, so the little bastard drowned.

Five minutes more of holding my bladder as I stand trying to shake off the heebie-jeebie disgustingness of the situation, he knocks on my door, rubber gloves and bucket in hand.

We head down to the bathroom where he peeks in the lid, slams it down and shouts “Oh my lord!
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Um, did you try flushing it?”

“Uh, no.”

“K, I’m going to try flushing it.”

“What if it gets stuck??”

“Well…theoretically, if it came up, it should go back down, right?”

“Um, I guess so…well, the plunger’s next to the toilet if you need it.”

*flush*

Little bastard didn’t go down.

*flush*

Still won’t go down.

Admitting defeat, William looks at me, sighs, and says “I’m going in.”

“Do you want like a paper towel or something?”

“No, I just need some scotch.”

So he reaches his gloved hand in, picks it up by it’s tail, and drops its bloated little mongrel body in the bucket.

Seriously. Why? I do not understand why the weird stuff always happens to me.

And now it’s not just the weird stuff, it’s the horror-movie, Twilight-Zone, can’t-sleep-because-you-think-you-hear-a-rat-scratching-the-bottom-of-the-bowl disgusting stuff.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On a completely related note, I have to have surgery on my sinuses.

This does not make me happy. I went back to the doctor today, and he compared last month’s CAT Scan to this month’s CAT Scan, and although I’m feeling considerably better, my sinuses (especially in the back of my head) are actually worse.

So now I have to have put-you-under 3-hour endoscopic we’ll-try-not-to-sever-your-optic-nerve surgery. Some lovely you’ll-need-about-a-week-to-recover surgery. Basically, some I-really-don’t-have-the-time-to-deal-with-this-BS-surgery.

But alas, I’m going to do it. I don’t know when, but hopefully in December when I’m between terms for school. They’ll probably call tomorrow to schedule it.

Memo to myself: stop googling Sinus Surgery because you’ll end up reading scary stories like this. Or this.

I need a cocktail.

Can I get a HALLELUJAH?!?

This is the best damn day EVER. EVER.

Nananana, Nananana, Hey Hey Hey, GOOD-BYE!



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Governor Ted Kulongoski: RE-ELECTED!!

Oregon Measure 41 : FAILED!!

Oregon Measure 48: FAILED!!

Oregon Library Levy: PASSED!!

Portland Public Schools: PASSED!!

Every damn thing I voted for/against: WENT MY WAY!!

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Pass the champagne glasses, baby, it's time to celebrate!

CHEERS!!!

Baby, it's wet outside.

Bloody hell.

My goof-off time at work has gone down significantly in the last few days—I don’t know what the deal is, but suddenly everyone wants something from me! Don’t they realize that I don’t want to work all the time? Sheesh.

I finally saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend, and I can now say that I was definitely entertained. Meryl Streep was of course fantastic, and Anne Hathaway did a pretty good job. I think they probably could have cast her part a little better, but I like her, so it was OK. I mean, she was in the Princess Diaries, which is a badass movie. She was also in Brokeback Mountain and shocked the hell out of me when she flung her top off to get it on with Jake Gyllenhaal. Lucky bitch. [whew, that was a lot of links]



ANYWAY. The movie was at the Laurelhurst Theater, which is always a fun time because all movies are 3 bucks and they serve Pizzacato pizza and beer! I mean, you can’t go wrong with that. And since it’s now lovely and Autumn-like, they had hard apple cider. Yum-O.



After the movie we headed up the street a bit to Wine Down, which was a completely adorable wine bar with fabulous desserts. Our waiter, Tim, was a very strange man, but he was nice and meant well. I can’t remember what kind of wine we had, but it was from España. Excelente.



Switching gears completely, what is UP with the downpour people?!? Yes, I know I live in Oregon, so I’m asking for it, but the last few days have been ridiculous. Last night on my way to class, everyone was driving like idiots. There was a lot of flooding and standing water so, naturally, there was some hydroplaning going on. What were they doing? Slamming on their brakes. Um, Rule #1 when you’re hydroplaning: don’t hit the brakes, idiot! Grrrr!

Luckily, I planned ahead for the craziness and left 15 minutes earlier than usual. Good thing I did, too, because I was just in time for class!



And today is November 7th. Which means it’s time to vote, people! We Oregonians are cool, so we have mail-in ballots, so naturally, I already voted. But if you’re in another part of the states, head the polls! There are some very vital decisions to be made, and we have to make them happen. So go vote. And if you don’t, I don’t want to hear a peep if things go to the crapper (some more).

My brush with fame

See, Tristan, I'm excited about it!

Apparently I made the front page of Digg with my stupid parking ticket story! I'm sure I'm not savvy enough to know how cool it really is, but I'm quite flattered that I'm on there.

I'm on the page for Offbeat News.

And you can see my entry here.

And even if they called me a dude (HELLO, it says Jennifer in the story), it's still pretty badass. :)

Why does it have to be so dark outside?

So no balls.

We searched for a couple of hours (half of which my little brother and sister spent “getting water because it will be easier to find them”), and eventually gave up the search.



So we decided to cheat. We drove over to this little shop down the highway that sells the glass floats. Bro and sis were kind of disappointed that we didn’t find any, so I figured we could buy a couple as consolation prizes.

WELL. We did find a couple to buy, but the guy at the shop informed me that the floats aren’t on the beach, they’re above the beach in the grassy areas hidden near rocks.

(!!!)

I’m sorry, did the Oregonian not say that the floats are hidden below the embankment and above the high tide line in the sand?? Is there any way to read that? I think not. So I was pretty annoyed. But we still had fun.

:::::::

The reason I went to the coast was actually because it’s my little sister’s 10th birthday today, so I wanted to go see her and give her her present. Also, I hadn’t seen the fam since before my birthday, so I figured now was a good time.

I bought her a little battery-operated pottery wheel with some air-drying clay and paints. She opened it and exclaimed with joy, “A POT-MAKING KIT!!”



I’m happy to say she didn’t understand why my parents and I were cracking up.

:::::::

The Halloween party I attended on Saturday night started out fun, but by the end of the night I thought I might murder my best friend. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with her, but she was out of control. Somehow she got pissed and started trying to ditch us in downtown Portland at 2 in the morning (drunk off her ass of course). I was sober (although at this point I wished I wasn’t), so that made it even more irritating. Long story short, she was ridiculous. I give her some credit because she actually apologized the next morning without me having to say a word, but it ruined the whole night. And that’s all I have to say about that.

:::::::

In other news, I bought new speakers for my car at Car Toys. No, I’m not going bumping down the road, I just needed new ones because the ones I had in there came with the car back in ’89. When they took them out, they showed them to me, and all I can say is “YUCK.” No wonder my music sounded crappy. But the new ones are lovely.



:::::::

Speaking of my car, one of my seat belts is broken (the part you click the belt into). So I called around to try and find one in a salvage lot or something (since my car’s an ’89). WELL, here is some news for you Honda owners out there. I discovered in my searching that Honda has a lifetime warranty on seatbelts! I went to a Honda dealer last night, and they are going to replace my seat belt and I don't have to pay a dime. I mean, I figured I'd get the part for free, but I don't even have to pay labor!

:::::::

And I got another @&#*%^ parking ticket from the University of Utah.

:::::::

Happy Halloween!

I'm looking for balls

...this weekend. On the beach. Get your mind outta the gutter.

No, seriously, I'm driving to the coast in a couple of hours to visit the fam as it is my little sister's tenth birthday. Yes, this makes me feel very old.

So while I'm there, I think I'll head north just a bit to Lincoln City, where they hide about 2,000 glass floats on the beach. I highly doubt I will actually find one, but it will be an adventure nonetheless.

In other news, I wrote a letter to the Vice President of Student Affairs at the University of Utah following yesterday's horror. I'll be sure to let you know if they ever actually contact me.

I'm not going to hold my breath.

On a much lighter note, my coworker sent me a link to this website today, and it had me rolling in hysterics on the floor.

I may not be the most fashionable gal out there, but I'm always broke and still look presentable. These people have more money than God and look horrible:



Ack!:



Anyway, it offered much entertainment, hopefully it will to you, too. :)

Happy Friday!

It's because I got mad at the NetZero lady, huh?

God got me.

My dad calls last night. “So how’s my little felon? Still on the lam?”

“Huh?”

“Have you checked your email?”

“No…”

“Well, I scanned a postcard you got in the mail today—you might want to check it out.”

Naturally, first thing this morning I check my email. I have a postcard from the University of Utah for a $22 parking ticket I got on my Toyota on October 3.

Whazzat?

1. I’ve never been to the University of Utah.
2. I have no affiliation whatsoever with the University of Utah.
3. I do not drive a Toyota.
4. I was definitely not in Utah on October 3.

This smells like trouble. Not only was my correct name on the card, but my address (well, my dad’s address). How on earth, praytell, could this have happened?

So I call Commuter Services in Utah this morning.

“Hi, I got a parking ticket notification in the mail, but I have no affiliation with the University and I wasn’t in Utah.”

“Oh…OK. Do you have the ticket number?”

I give him the ticket number.

“Yeah, that ticket was issued to you on October 3rd. It’s attached to your parking permit, you were parking in a no-parking zone.”

“No, no. You’re not listening to me. That wasn’t me. I’m not even in Utah. I’m in Oregon. I have no affiliation with your university. I don’t even drive a Toyota.”

“You don’t drive a Toyota?”

“No.”

“And you don’t go here?”

“No.”

“Have you ever registered or like, taken online classes? That could be why.”

“No, I. Am. In. Oregon.”

“OK, well my boss says she can take the ticket off your record and erase the permit.”

“That’s great, thanks, but the bigger issue here is how you have gotten my name in the first place?”

“Well, the ticket is attached to your account.”

“WHY do I have an account, that is what I’m asking you.”

“I don’t know, I can transfer you over to the registrar.”

“Wait, did you look me up and I am actually in your system?”

“Yeah, your student ID is ######.”

What. The. Hell.

So I get on the phone with the registar, whose phones, irritatingly enough, aren’t working properly today. They must have hung up on me about 3 times.

I replay the situation.

“So you got a parking ticket that shouldn’t have gone to you?”

“Right.”

“Well, let me transfer you to Commuter Services.”

“NO NO NO, I need to find out how your school even has me in your system. I’m worried that someone has stolen my identity.”

“It may just be someone with your name.”

“No, dear, you not only have my name, but you have my address. And my name is not common. I highly doubt there is another Jennifer _____ out there.”

“Oh. Hold on.”

[this is where they hang up on me a few times]

“OK, it appears that this record was created in 1999.”

What. The. Hell.

1999? 1999…..…. OH…1999.

That’s about when I would have been college hunting. And filling out eleventy jillion college info cards at college fairs. And ten’ll get you twenty that I must have filled one out for the University of Utah (NO idea why I would do such a thing—really, I filled them out for just about anywhere).

“OK, I may have filled out a card at a college fair.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll bet that’s why.”

“But I never even applied there, why would I go into your system?”

“Oh, we put everyone in the system.”

Mmmmkay…

“Well, can you take me out? I mean, it’s been 7 years, and I have no interest in the University of Utah.”
“No, we don’t delete people.”

“You’re telling me that the record was created 7 years ago, there has been zero activity with that account, and you won’t delete it?”

“Sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, sorry.”

“Can you guarantee that I will not be contacted by the University or have any other random ass parking tickets sent to me?”

“Well, someone probably just accidentally registered their permit using your ID number instead of their own.”

“Why are you calling it my ID number? It’s not mine. I have no desire for it to be mine.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Yeah, tell your school administrators that they’re a bunch of retards.” *

“What was that?”

“Bye.”


* No, I didn't really say that.

ZERO.

Why must this be such a hassle?

I finally decided that I needed a real internet connection at home. For several months I was using NetZero (which is horrible, by the way) since I wasn’t regularly using the net. I mean, why pay mucho moolah for something I don’t really need? [No comments about my shoe-buying problem, please] Anyway, so I order Qwest DSL.

I ordered the service on Thursday. It said it would be available today. So I look at my Netzero account, and my next billing cycle would also start today. So I went ahead and called on Thursday to cancel my account, figuring I wouldn’t really need shitty internet for the weekend, anyway.

“Thank you for calling NetZero, I understand you want to cancel this great service, may I please have the reason?”

Uh….I should not tell her it’s because it’s shitty because she’ll go into some tirade and transfer me to the “help” department instead of just canceling the blasted thing. “Yeah, I’m getting free wireless in my building, so I don’t need dial-up anymore.”

This is actually partly true. I do have access to free wireless in my building, but it’s about as good as NetZero. Plus, it’s regulated so any website that has words like “breast” or “sex” or “anal stimulation” (ok I made that last one up) won’t load. I seriously couldn’t get the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure (for breast cancer) page loaded.

“Oh…OK. So you want to cancel the service?”

“Yes” (haven’t we gone through this?)

“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, I’m going to sign you up for three months of free wireless service!”

“No, I don’t need wireless service. I already have wireless service. I just want to cancel my account.”

“Well, you can just have it for three months and then cancel it, you don’t have to keep it.”

“No, I already have wireless. Why would I need two wireless services?”

“Is your wireless available right now?”

“Yes!”

“Oh. Well for $4.95 you can keep your NetZero email address!”

“NO, I don’t use that address anyway. Although that doesn’t stop me from getting 17 ‘delivery failed’ email message every day. How do you suppose I get failed deliveries if I’m not even sending anything?”

Silence………. “Yes, I’ve heard that’s a glitch.”

Lovely.

“I can let you use the email address for 3 more months free if you like.”

“Please just cancel my account, I don’t want anything further from NetZero.”

“You know, we are the least expensive provider out there. Are you sure you don’t want to take a day or two to think it over?”

“No. And I know a cheaper provider. It’s called my apartment building and the cost is Zero dollars. You know Zero, like in your name, Net Zero?”

“Yes.”

“Please cancel my account.”

“OK, just hold on a moment while I get your confirmation number.”

“Alright.” …………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………

“Sorry it’s taking so long, our system is really busy today.”

“MMMKay…”

So basically what she’s saying is that everyone thinks NetZero is the shitter of internet services, and no one wants it anymore!

“Ma’am, I can sign you up for three months of free wireless service.”

PMS kicks in: “I. Do. Not. Want. Anything. From. NetZero. Anymore. No free wireless, no email address. No pretty pony with the NetZero logo painted on its side. Nothing. Please cancel it.”

“You don’t want your email address?”

[NO LADY, I DON’T WANT YOUR @&%^*@# SERVICE ANYMORE, CANCEL THE GODDAMN ACCOUNT! ]

“No, thank you.”

“OK, your confirmation number is ######. Have a nice day.”

Jenniper on the town

Oh, thanks all for the birthday wishes! :)


After too much fun this weekend, I just can’t get back into the groove of things. This definitely ranks up there among great birthdays (even if I’m as old as MTV).

Thursday, being my actual birthday, was a little hard to celebrate since I had work and class. But a friend of mine who also had a class that night met me at Le Happy, a fabulous little Creperie on 16th. I enjoyed an apple & gorgonzola crepe with a cocktail called “Here Kitty.” So even if I couldn’t party like it’s 1999, I still squeezed in some fun.



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Friday night was the night to go out with my best friends, and although it was fun, I have to admit they were kind of Debbie Downers. We had dinner at Salvador Molly’s, which is one of my fave places, which I think I probably mentioned pre-hijacking. They have “Pirate Cookin’” and some great drinks.



A tradition good ol Salvador & Molly started was that of the “Great Balls of Fire.” These are fried balls of pure hell, also known as habaneros. So Gordon, the man of the group that night, decided he wanted to try one. Having already knocked back a cocktail, I figured I’d join in on the fun. Not to be outdone, Gordon’s fiancé Jessica joined the bandwagon. So we ordered 3 Balls of Fire. I could only eat half before I thought I was going to die. Jessica had one bite and gave it up. Naturally, Gordon played macho and ate his without a problem. Then he ate Jessica’s. Then he ate the other half of mine.

After dinner we jaunted over to Kells, my favorite Irish pub in town. But since the rest of the clan was having Debbie Downer time, we only stayed for one drink and then left.



This was probably a good thing, seeing as how Gordon started feeling the effects of Habanero Hell and writhed in agony on my living room floor.

I had a hard time not laughing.

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Saturday night was probably the most fun. One of my old coworkers who moved to Eugene (I know, what was she thinking) came up for a night on the town with my other old coworker (who still lives here) and her girlfriend. So it was a girls’ night out.

We started the evening by attending the opening of a new chocolaterie downtown. It’s called Cacao Drink Chocolate, and it’s so new that I couldn’t find it on Citysearch (it’s on 13th). Anyway, this place was ridiculous. They have crazy chocolates from all over the world (I myself purchased a bar made in Ecuador & a Mayan cayenne pepper bar). They were also serving the most orgasmic hot drinking chocolate ever. No, really. Ever.

Our dinner reservations weren’t until 7:15, so we went to the bar upstairs from Cacao, called Masu. Masu is actually a sushi bar that apparently has terrible sushi. But their drinks were fabulous and it had a fun, swanky atmosphere. We also had a nudey show from an old man across the street who didn’t close his blinds. He must have been about 60, and was obviously getting ready for a night on the town. Button-up shirt, a spray of cologne. It was quite entertaining.



After pre-dinner chocolate and pre-dinner drinks, we were off to Patanegra, a restaurant in Northwest that specializes in Spanish tapas. Yum. We must have ordered about 11 different tapas and a bottle of wine. Needless to say, we were stuffed to the gills. We must have been there for at least two and a half hours.



We were so delightfully full that we took a stroll down the neighborhood for a bit, ending the night with a café au lait.

All in all, it was a great 25th.

Joining the Quarter Century Club

25.

Man, I'm old.

Get ready, Portland. The Party Bus is coming to town!

Schneikies

Good attempt at my ridiculous movie quotes. Tristan obviously won, but it was a valiant effort by all! I went ahead and added the answers in case you’re just dying to know them, as I know you all are!

I have a book recommendation for you all. The World is Flat, by Thomas Friedman, is really interesting. He published The Lexus and the Olive Tree back around 2000 or so. He’s somewhat of a globalization expert, but his writing is really excellent. He’s also a journalist, which I think helps him write well.

I also can’t stop listening to KT Tunstall’s album, “Eye to the Telescope.” It’s been a while since a female solo artist caught my attention (I don’t know why, but usually it’s the menfolk that I like to listen to). The best songs on the album are definitely “Stopping the Love” and “Heal Over.” So whenever you feel like chillin with some chick music, I’d recommend a listen.


And I bought a lovely wallet that I didn’t need and couldn’t afford, but I don’t care so what are you going to do about it?? Isn’t it pretty? I got the blue one.


In other news, just how hard did this dude have to hit that painting to actually puncture it? I demand a study on this, as I am quite horrified.

In other other news, I’m feeling a bit snobbish today because about 10 of my classmates have done their debates for class, and I’m really just not impressed. I mean, I know it isn’t a cutthroat debate by any means, but some gusto wouldn’t hurt! Of course I’m probably jinxing myself and I’ll get a crappy grade on Monday when I do mine. Humph.

In other other other news, I re-potted my two plants in my office, and they’re already looking a little perkier. I am not a domestic goddess. I can cook and I can clean, but that’s about it. I don’t sew, I don’t make miraculous furniture arrangements that look like Trading Spaces attacked, and I do not have a green thumb. I kill plants regularly. I finally just bought some silk flowers (that look totally real, by the way), and they’re much prettier and low maintenance.



OK, that’s enough rambling. Off I go!

You can quote me on that.

Edit October 18th: I went ahead and added the answers! :)

October is half over already. That means Halloween is coming! And then Thanksgiving! And then Christmas! It’s the beautiful Holiday Trifecta I look forward to each year.

So in honor of that (and in no way is this related), I present to you

OBSCURE MOVIE QUOTE TIME

Now let’s see if you can name the movies to which these quotes belong. I’ll try to throw some easy ones in there.

And no fair Googling them or looking on IMDB. ;)

1. “Edwina, back in the bowl.” All of Me

2. “Watch me take this on down the road!” Wedding Crashers

3. “You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.” High Spirits

4. “Gaston, you are positively primeval.” Beauty and the Beast (Disney Version)

5. “I do not think him is who you think him is.” The Princess Bride

6. “Multi-Pass!” The Fifth Element

7. “Mine! Mine! Mine!” Finding Nemo

8. “I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality.” Little Miss Sunshine

9. “Is she still in the dark place?” The Ring

10. “Did your mother have any kids that lived?” Stand By Me

11. “All I have to say about that is ‘asphinctersayswhat’.” Wayne's World

12. “Five schillings for the possessed toy.” Shrek

13. “I’ll be right here.” E.T.

14. “Say car Ram-Rod.” Super Troopers

15. “Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.” 50 First Dates

*sniff*

.
.
.
The sun appeared. The clouds parted. A beautiful rainbow painted across the sky—

Drawing a deep breath, Jenniper gasped... “I can breathe!”

And then a thousand angels gathered in chorus: “Hallelujah!”



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Appointment with the specialist went well. I’m not going to lie, it was an unpleasant visit, but I must admit things are feeling much clearer today!

We had a little chat about my 10-week ridiculousness, and then he had a look at my CAT Scan. “So…yeah. Your CAT Scan. Well, it looks just crappy.” [His words, I swear]. He explained that the reason I’m still having symptoms is because the infection is so bad, all of my sinuses are clogged. The antibiotics have probably killed the infection (or at least sterilized it), but because the mucous isn’t draining right, I still feel like caca.

To be sure, he decided he wanted to take a look up there. So first he sprayed my nose with this lidocaine stuff to numb it. And if you’ve never had a numb nose before, believe me: it’s weird.

Then he stuck a laryngoscope up in there to take a look around. Essentially, it’s a long tube with fiber optics so he can see what’s going on in my snotty head. The yellow circled part is the part that goes up there. [shudder]



Yes, it was unpleasant. It didn’t actually hurt, but that’s because my nasal passage was numb. But lemme tell ya, a few hours later I was feelin it. And 4 Advil didn’t quite do the job.

After determining that there were no polyps or some bizarre reason why I’m still sick, he decided to do a little vacuuming. This wasn’t the major flush-out surgery hoopla (that might come later), but it got some guck out—and it was GROSS. That is all I’m going to say about that.

So now I’m on a more specific antibiotic (to make sure the infection stays bye-bye), and a kick-ass decongestant/expectorant to loosen Mucous & Friends up a bit. Then the really fun part is the Nasal Rinse!


I know, it looks simple enough. But ladies and gentlemen, the bottle is as big as my hand. My whole hand, people! And you know what I have to do with it? Squeeze saline solution up one nostril until it starts coming out the other one.

GAAAAAHHH!!!

Alas, I must admit… The disgustingness is a miracle. I have been able to breathe through my nose all day. I can’t tell you how that feels! It’s like a cup of hot chocolate on a snowy day. It’s like a cocktail after a long work week. It’s like an elephant ear at the state fair. Perfectly baked Butternut Squash. It’s like that first sip of cold beer at a baseball game.
It. Is. Pure. Fabulousness.

Now, I feel it is necessary to ad something here. Now don’t get me wrong, I am THRILLED that this visit went well (hear that, God? I am grateful, OK? Don’t go bringing the mucous back to smite me). But why is Buddha’s name didn’t they freaking tell me to do the nasal rinse 7 WEEKS AGO when I went to the doctor the first time!? Oh the time, the frustration, the money it would have saved!

But it’s OK. It’s OK.

Because dammit, I can breathe.

Columbus Day Shmolumbus Day

Dear Oregon Weather Gods,

What is your deal? It’s October. What is this BS about it hitting 80 degrees on Wednesday? I’m not down with that—I’ve already put away my summer sandals! My sweaters are out of their summer storage boxes and the blankets are out. Get it together already!

Signed,

Perturbed in Portland

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I went out to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, so now my newly-vacuumed car has dirty floor mats, but hey, that’s what floor mats are for!

I bought butternut squash & delicata squash, apples, carrots, asparagus, broccoli, some assorted peppers, and the biggest ass nectarines you’ve ever laid eyes on. My trunk was heaping with produce and I walked away having only spent 11 bucks. Man I love that place. And it’s only going to be open for three more weeks!

I do think this year, though, I’m going to try and fork over the money for the corn maze. I’ve never done it, and this year they have like a “Haunted Maze” at night, so I think I’ll have to check it out. If I don’t make it out, send a search party.



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In other news, I went to Urban Fondue on Saturday night, and it was oh-so good. We had a white cheddar fondue with the usual bread assortment and some lovely sausage. I also had this ridiculous-looking salad, but it had pancetta so it was excellent. My cocktail of choice was a strawberry Hypnotiq martini, and I swear if I hadn’t been driving I could have had, like, 8. Of course the best part is always the dessert—chocolate fondue with an assortment of fruit, cheesecake, poundcake, and cookie dough! As that annoying Rachel Ray would say, YUM-O.



My friend is a new mom, so she doesn't get out much. Her idea of a night out is Red Robin, so this was all very new to her. She was laughing at me and called me a food snob for eating fondue and ordering salads with weird stuff like "pancetta." It got me thinking, and I have to admit I am a bit of a food snob. But I like it that way--I'll take my salmon and Pinot Noir any day! ...But I also like a good night of pizza and beer! Cheers!

Boys, boys...stop fighting over me!

I've had some better luck this afternoon. Recycling Guy who?

Mae West, I am not.

Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Apparently, I have forgotten how to flirt.

Hot Recycling Guy came in today to get the recycling. If you remember from a previous post, I was annoyed that he had been sending his minions to get my recycling because then I couldn't check him out. Well today, he came in.

He comes in my building to get the recycled bottles or to drop off recycling containers and that sort of thing, and whenever he walks by my office, he always smiles and waves. And he doesn't even acknowledge anyone else here, people. So I figure, OK, that's a good start. I even tested it once. I saw him coming, so I was sure to be "working" when he walked by my office.

People: He stopped outside my door and waited until I looked up so he could smile and say hi.

I mean come on.

So naturally I figure I need to get it together and turn on the charm today. So he comes in to get my paper recycling and I start up a conversation--

"Hi Sean, how's it going?"

"Fine." Silence.

OK...that wasn't the best start. Strike One.

"I haven't seen you in here in a while."

"Yeah, my student workers are falling behind because they keep calling in sick, so now I have to do it."

"Oh..."

Alright, now it's really not going well. Strike two. Apparently Grumpy McGrumpterton has inhabited his body. But I'll try again. They recently got new uniform things to wear at work, I'll try that!

"So these are the new duds, huh?"

"Yeah, we all have to wear them now, it's mandatory."

Silence.

"OK, well thanks."

"Yeah."

OK, what the hell?! I know I have not been imagining the coy looks and flirtatious comments in days past. And I mean come on, I was commenting on his clothing. Is that not a clear indication of "HELLO! I'M CHECKING YOU OUT!" ???

But I'm a stubborn ass so I don't give up. I time it right so I "have to take the mail over" when he's leaving the building. I've never been good at that girly stuff, but shit, man, I made a point to walk by him. Isn't that what girls do? And nothing. Strike Three.

Damn.

A/B, next time you have one of your International Guys-Named-Sean Meetings, would you have a chat with him, please?

I think I took a wrong turn to Negative Town

The man upstairs is picking on me.

First off, I feel like shiznit. I’m playing in the bitter barn.

Then I get a missed call on my cell phone from 999-999-9999.

So, naturally, I Google it.

THE PHONE CALL OF DEATH!

Yeah….that’s just great.

Thank goodness I didn’t call the number back!

But this guy did, and apparently it was just Blockbuster calling to remind him to return a movie. This can make me breathe a sigh of relief because yes, Blockbuster, I do have a movie still out. But you know what?! Don’t advertise NO LATE FEES if you don’t want people returning videos late. I wanted to watch United 93 again, OK?? Get off my back or I’ll bust a cap!

Yeah that’s right – I’m a gangsta.


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In other news, my weekend class was BOOOOOOOOOORING. It was AGONY. It was 11 flipping hours of repeated mumbo jumbo and asinine stories. And not even good asinine stories!

Remember that teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Yeah, that’s the guy.



11 hours people.

I keep chanting to myself: I’m 1/3 done, I’m 1/3 done…

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I’m in a bad mood today. I think it’s a culmination of irritation and I can’t laugh it off anymore. So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go home, cook me a lovely catfish dinner, pop open a bottle of wine, make myself some brownies and watch Anne of Green Gables. Because you know what? I can.

I’ll be a much happy camper tomorrow.

BOHICA

The frustration is mounting and I'm starting to lose my cool. So far, I think I've been a pretty good sport about this whole ridiculous affair, but I've just about had it.

I have to wait until the 11th to see a specialist. Furthermore, it is only a CONSULTATION. They aren't going to do a goddamn thing while I'm there other than talk some more about my sinusitis. We have already determined that talking about it is not going to solve the problem, people. I want action.

And if I can't even get in for a lame-o consultation until the 11th, when are they going to be able to actually schedule anything to fix me? Does this mean I have to wait another bleeping 3 weeks before I can breathe through my blasted nose??

And now I'm starting to have a minor freak-out because I think I have symptoms of a fungal sinus infection. 1) Antibiotics aren't working 2) We're going on Week #10 here and 3) I haven't gotten anyone else sick. And I work in an old leaking moldy building. This is probably all just in my head and I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing, but it's still there.

I swear if it is fungal, I'm sharpening up my resume and getting my ass out of here.

I'm done now. Sorry. I'm not really looking for a response here, I just really needed to vent (obviously).