I finally decided that I needed a real internet connection at home. For several months I was using NetZero (which is horrible, by the way) since I wasn’t regularly using the net. I mean, why pay mucho moolah for something I don’t really need? [No comments about my shoe-buying problem, please] Anyway, so I order Qwest DSL.
I ordered the service on Thursday. It said it would be available today. So I look at my Netzero account, and my next billing cycle would also start today. So I went ahead and called on Thursday to cancel my account, figuring I wouldn’t really need shitty internet for the weekend, anyway.
“Thank you for calling NetZero, I understand you want to cancel this great service, may I please have the reason?”
Uh….I should not tell her it’s because it’s shitty because she’ll go into some tirade and transfer me to the “help” department instead of just canceling the blasted thing. “Yeah, I’m getting free wireless in my building, so I don’t need dial-up anymore.”
This is actually partly true. I do have access to free wireless in my building, but it’s about as good as NetZero. Plus, it’s regulated so any website that has words like “breast” or “sex” or “anal stimulation” (ok I made that last one up) won’t load. I seriously couldn’t get the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure (for breast cancer) page loaded.
“Oh…OK. So you want to cancel the service?”
“Yes” (haven’t we gone through this?)
“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, I’m going to sign you up for three months of free wireless service!”
“No, I don’t need wireless service. I already have wireless service. I just want to cancel my account.”
“Well, you can just have it for three months and then cancel it, you don’t have to keep it.”
“No, I already have wireless. Why would I need two wireless services?”
“Is your wireless available right now?”
“Yes!”
“Oh. Well for $4.95 you can keep your NetZero email address!”
“NO, I don’t use that address anyway. Although that doesn’t stop me from getting 17 ‘delivery failed’ email message every day. How do you suppose I get failed deliveries if I’m not even sending anything?”
Silence………. “Yes, I’ve heard that’s a glitch.”
Lovely.
“I can let you use the email address for 3 more months free if you like.”
“Please just cancel my account, I don’t want anything further from NetZero.”
“You know, we are the least expensive provider out there. Are you sure you don’t want to take a day or two to think it over?”
“No. And I know a cheaper provider. It’s called my apartment building and the cost is Zero dollars. You know Zero, like in your name, Net Zero?”
“Yes.”
“Please cancel my account.”
“OK, just hold on a moment while I get your confirmation number.”
“Alright.” …………………………………………….
…………………………………………………………
“Sorry it’s taking so long, our system is really busy today.”
“MMMKay…”
So basically what she’s saying is that everyone thinks NetZero is the shitter of internet services, and no one wants it anymore!
“Ma’am, I can sign you up for three months of free wireless service.”
PMS kicks in: “I. Do. Not. Want. Anything. From. NetZero. Anymore. No free wireless, no email address. No pretty pony with the NetZero logo painted on its side. Nothing. Please cancel it.”
“You don’t want your email address?”
[NO LADY, I DON’T WANT YOUR @&%^*@# SERVICE ANYMORE, CANCEL THE GODDAMN ACCOUNT! ]
“No, thank you.”
“OK, your confirmation number is ######. Have a nice day.”
5 comments:
Reminds me of the famous AOL Cancel Call. I have a mirror at http://www.tristanpipo.com/file/aolcancel.mp3
They don't make money if they lose you as a customer so they are happy taking the loss.
Most of these companies have what they call a retainment department that will be willing to offer you their first born child to keep you as a customer. Cell Phone Companies are known for this.
But I feel your pain. You should have got a recording of it. That would have been genius.
Anyways welcome to a faster internet!
The graphic link should be fixed now. I had to write a redirect request since during the webserver move I guess I forgot to grab that.
Anyways should be working now.
Cheers!
Alright had a bit of an issue with the file. But it should be up and working.
Had to re-encode the file. Change the IDv3 Tags to strip out the PutFile Garbage and it is now available for download.
Okay I am shutting up now.
-End Of Line-
It sucks but it's comforting to see that telephone companies are the same everywhere.
I am sorry for your pain, but I laughed out loud reading this. In fact now I have anal pain just thinking about this phone call.
Silly!
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