A few things not worth mentioning...

Thing the First: My oven caught on fire last night. It was kind of a dramatic moment as I had just turned the oven on, and suddenly it made this horrible buzzing sound and then a loud POP, which produced some good size flames. I was able to turn it immediately off, which stopped the flames, but then produced some impressive billows of smoke. So then of course I opened every window in my apartment to air it out, which promptly made my apartment FREEZING (but not smelling like smoke). So now I have no oven, and while it's perhaps safe to use the stove burners, I'm disinclined to do so. Now I'm waiting for my apartment manager to see if it's reparable. But for now I have to eat things cold or things that are microwavable. Bummer, dude.

Thing the Second: I have been having some trippy-ass dreams lately. First, I had a dream that I was a reporter covering the Blagojevich impeachment, and Mr. Pipo was called as a character witness, which horrified me. He came over to talk to me, bringing Mr. Blagojevich, who promptly decided to hit on me, so I ran away. As I was running, it turned in to me doing a marathon, and my iPod wouldn't work. I also have dreams fairly frequently where my teeth are falling out. Then last night I had a dream where I was invisible to everyone but children. Googling the themes of my dreams would lead one to believe I must have serious issues I'm unaware of, including worrying too much about how I look, thinking I'm not important, trying to remove myself from society, and putting my faith in man over God. Whatever that means. Really I think it just provides me entertainment the next morning when I remember them. Except the teeth falling out one. YUCK!

Thing the Third: Why does our mayor have to be scandalous? I mean, I'm feeling good politically, my President was elected, he's officially in office and Bush is puttin' his boots up on a coffee table in Podunk, Texas, and he can't send us to war again. But then the day before Inauguration, Portland's mayor has to go scandalize himself with an inappropriate relationship. I mean come ON. So I have decided to pay as little attention as possible to the whole shebang, even if I am technically a city employee. Whatev! Evidently in Portland, 18-year-olds can enjoy Sam Adams. Ba-dum kshhhh!

Ode to my city---

Things I love about Portland

The view from the crest of the Fremont Bridge going south.

The view from the Rose Garden.

All of my bridges.

Especially this one:

The Lucky Lab on Hawthorne—even though I don’t own a dog.

The 7 million other brewpubs.

Powell’s City of Books

Portland City Grill

Cathedral Park

Waterfront Park

Tri-Met

The Blues Festival

The Bite of Oregon

The Irish Festival at Kell’s

Tiny horses tied up to the old horse rings on random streets.

Papa Haydn

The Montage

St. John’s Theater: first run movies for $3.75!

A pint of Ruby at McMenamins

The Willamette Week

Saturday Market

Farmer’s Market

Pioneer Square

The manic-depressive weather

Portland State University

Big Pink

Stumptown Coffee

Widmer Brothers Brewing Company

Thirsty Thursday at PGE Park

Movies @ Pioneer Square in the summer

Zoo concerts

Sauvie Island

Ridiculous Portland Art

Metro

Christmastime in Portland

St. John’s

I’m missing about a billion things. City of Roses, I heart you.

Where are the May flowers?

Oh, they're hiding from the rain.

The days are filled with boredom here at work…the students have finished the semester and there is only so much internet you can surf, you know?

If you were a real friend, you’d go post something entertaining on your blog.

In the interest of time-wasting, I came upon a South Park Character Creator and envisioned myself as follows:



Had a hard time choosing the right hair…none of them really encompassed my style.

My best friend is graduating tomorrow, so it’s party time. She has struggled her way through school, and she’s finally earned her teaching degree. She had a rough start back in 2000 and got a little too much into the social scene at college. She took a year off, and then went to community college. She finally transferred to Portland State and completed her bachelor’s degree in December ‘05. Her transcripts weren’t great considering her rough start, so she had to fight to get into an MAT program…but it paid off, and she was accepted. She’s a good illustration of what happens when you’re finally doing something you love: she went from a 2.5 in undergrad to a 4.0 as a graduate student. Even though she doesn’t read this blog (or even know that it exists), I’m proud of her.

…

It’s 3:00 and I have nothing to do. This is baaaaad. It’s only going to get worse next week. Too bad I can’t bring in my homework!

So in the interest of keeping busy, I have been having waaaaay too much fun with Google Satellite Maps.

Here, you can see my hood. I live somewhere within this grid, but it's a secret:



Here, you can see one of my favorite downtown buildings...the Urban Center at Portland State. Also where I spend much of my graduate school time--



Then I found the 'hood where I grew up--



And hey! There's the house I lived in during college! I used to mow that lawn, y'all:



Then I got to thinking...I wonder if they have satellite images of Quito (where I spent five glorious months back in '03)



That was my house!!! (Bottom arrow). The top arrow is where I sat drinking coffee at my favorite internet cafe. Also where I got a bus to go to school...Hey! Can I find my school?!



Entirely too much fun, people. Satellite images are just the right mix of cool and creepy.

And I know this is mean, but laughed when I read this. Do you think she'll actually go?

Ganache is the devil's bait.

Wedding season has officially begun.



Wedding #1 of 5 was on Saturday, and it was nice. It was my first Catholic wedding, but there wasn’t a mass, so it was only about an hour—which is long as weddings go, really. Most I’ve been to or been in are like 15 minutes, tops. But the bride looked beautiful, and the church was quite lovely. It was a little tiny church in a random neighborhood in Wilsonville (south of Portland). I never would have known it was there, that’s for sure. Their reception was held at the Museum of the Oregon Territory, which sounds weird, but it was a great space. It had a ballroom at the top of the museum, with windows around the whole area. All in all, a good start to the season.





Wedding #2 of 5 is this weekend, but I’m forgoing this one. It’s about 3 hours away, and I have a lot of things to do this weekend. This one is more of an acquaintance, anyway, so I don’t feel guilty for skipping it. I haven’t seen the bride in the better part of a decade. I’ll send a gift and call it good!

Let’s discuss for a moment the idea of bringing a date to a wedding. I never really understood that. I mean, weddings are fun and all, but would you want to go to one if you didn’t know the couple getting married? Let me ask you—would you want to be a date to a wedding? The other strange thing is when you’re in the wedding and you bring a date. It’s not like you can sit with your date because you’re at the wedding party’s table. OK, that was kind of random, but you get the point.

In other news, I went to a fantastic restaurant on Friday. The restaurant is Lauro which is on Division. It’s a self-described “Mediterranean restaurant.” It was so damn good. Had a glass of Tempranillo, which was excellent. Then we shared a plate of tapas, which were also heavenly—great calamari! For my main course, I chose the Paella, which can never live up to the Paella I had in Spain, but it was still pretty damn good. All in all, the restaurant gets an A+.





Even though we were stuffed to the gills, we decided to hit the Pied Cow for some dessert. Ordered a lovely banana crepe a la flambé, which was pretty. They lit rum on fire on the plate. Pretty cool. A crepe accompanied by a café au lait, and I’m in heaven. They also have a selection of hookahs, so if you’re into that, this is the place to be.



So how was your weekend?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Items of note on this Monday:

1. I do not understand WHY people feel the need to mess with my damn car! I went out to my car Sunday morning to head to the store, and someone had broken into my car. Again. The first time was somewhat funny, but it’s not anymore. I don’t like people messing with my stuff. Whoever it was must have been disappointed not to find anything (I had my face plate off my stereo so they couldn’t take it this time). Then they got into my trunk to rummage around but once again found nothing. I think they were probably

A) Looking for my face plate—many people just take it off and leave it in the glove box, for example--

or

B) Seeing if I had a stereo in my trunk as many people do.

Luckily, once again, they just jimmied my door and did not break my window. And it’s a long shot, but I am actually wondering if it might be the same moron from before because the way s/he left my car was verrrry similar to the last time. My door wasn’t closed all the way and my trunk was partially open. Perhaps this person figured I must have replaced my stereo by now so they thought they’d snag stereo #2. Fool!


2. My mock arbitration hearing went very well. I am a damn good arbitrator if I do say so myself. It was interesting to see the two sides present their cases—they were ready to draw blood! It was pretty funny, actually. Not to mention there was some shameful sucking up going on since I was the arbitrator. I could get used to that. ;)

3. The Bachelorette Party was a blast and a half. We started off the evening at the bride-to-be’s house for some pre-drinking and party games. They were of course all dirty—including a contest for shaping the best penis out of play dough as well as a “deep-throat” contest using a banana. I won one of these two games, but I will not say which for I am a lady, dammit!

We then headed to our dance class, which I mentioned in my previous post. It turns out it wasn’t actually a pole-dancing class like I originally thought. It was just exotic dancing, but pole dancing classes are offered. We learned this fantastic routine of sorts to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” It was a lot of fun, I must say. It’s totally out of the comfort zone, of course, because there was much discussion of putting the va-jay-jay out there during the dance. We were clothed, but the idea when you actually perform the dance for someone is to be naked or at least be naked by the end of the dance if you know what I’m sayin. ;)

After we were all sexed up we headed downtown to the Irish Festival to get our drink on. Surprisingly, it wasn’t at busy as I would have thought. We didn’t have to wait in line at all to get in, so that was nice. There was plenty ‘o green beer and sody bread a-flowin. The band in the tent we were in was really fantastic. They were so damn energetic, too! After they finished their set I went to talk to the good-looking fiddle-player and he was bouncing off the walls, I tell you! He gave me a free pass to get in on Sunday but I had to finish up a term paper so I wasn’t able to go. :( Too bad. But it was a lot of fun.

4. I’m glad to have two weeks off from class, man! I still have to write up my arbitration decision, but then it’s free time until April. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself! I think perhaps I will have to visit friends who have been neglected by my busy schedule. I feel a game night coming on…

Ides of March

There are little tiny daffodils popping up outside my office! Spring is on the way! It’s taking its time, though—I had to scrape ice off my car this morning.

And how is everyone in the blogging world today?

I read this story this morning and I was beyond horrified. Horrified doesn’t even cut it, really.

I also just saw this story, which is very cool. Finally having a black Disney princess is extremely cool. Also, I will admit that I am thrilled that they’re actually doing a hand-drawn feature again!! I love the Pixar movies and Shrek and all that, but there’s something extra special about the classic hand-drawn Disney movies like Cinderella & Snow White.

On a completely unrelated note, I wish to share this video with you. This woman is certifiable! It is important to note, however, that Boric Acid is not toxic. It’s found in antiseptics and athlete’s foot meds and such. It’s probably not the best idea to rub it all over your skin like she did, but still. She is definitely psycho, though:





This is my last week for the term, then it’s two weeks off for Spring Break, baby! Not that I’m really doing anything special, I still have to work. But it’ll be nice not to worry about schoolwork for a couple weeks. Then April’s a new term.

What is it about college campuses in the springtime? They just have this fantastic feel to them, don’t they?

St. Patty’s Day is this weekend, which means drunk Irish people (and people who wish they were Irish) running amok about Portland. I will probably be joining in the festivities because I have a bachelorette party I’m attending on Saturday. It should be an adventure to say the least. Our first stop is a pole dancing class (yes, I said pole dancing) at Euphoria Studios in southeast. Yes, I will be taking pictures, no I will not be posting them!

Should provide good blogging material come Monday. ;)

Splendiferous

Man, they’ve been making me work lately. What up with that?

How are you doing today? Anything new?

My weekend was OK—I had class, so that took up a lot of it. BUT, it’s my advocacy class and we’re doing a mock arbitration hearing, and I get to be the arbitrator! So I get to pass judgement and all that fun stuff. That’s not until next month, though.

Actually, after class I met some friends for dinner at Autentica, which has fantastically orgasmic authentic Mexican food. Oh, it was so deliciosa. And even though we were stuffed to the gills we decided that dessert was in order at Pix Patisserie. Yum!

So Saturday I may have been in class, but I made good use of Saturday night.

Last night, instead of doing homework, I did a little shopping (Hello, take-advantage-of-dead-presidents-day sales!). I came away with some great deals! Then we hit one of my all-time favorite restaurants in Portland---The Montage.

Oooh, heavenly. I had my usual favorite, alligator linguini (did she just say alligator? Why yes, I think she did). It is oh so good. It just has the best atmosphere for a restaurant. First of all, it’s in this totally seedy area under the Morrison Bridge. It’s all dark and fantastic inside and it’s a bunch of long tables so you might end up sitting with people you don’t know. It’s great! OK, I just read that again and it doesn’t sound that fantastic, but I promise, it is! And when you have leftovers they put them in a fun tinfoil to-go animal or flower or something. My friend and I both had leftovers, and our person made us a cat and a mouse to go!

OK, all this talk of food has made me hungry!

In other news, I think I forgot to update that that guy in my class that I wanted to introduce to my friend already has a girlfriend, so that’s a no go. But I’ll keep you updated on any new developments.

In even other news, this kid just kills me. I went to high school with him, and he is the most brilliant, fascinating guy I’ve ever met. He’s even nice to boot! In high school he built a freakin Tesla Coil, so I’m not too surprised to see he’s winning $30K prizes for amazing inventions and succeeding like mad at MIT. Nathan Ball, you rock!

Also, I think this is fascinating. And I don't believe for second that it has nothing to do with the fact that Iraq has become a disaster. How long before the crazies go all “Freedom Fries” on the UK? So instead of English Breakfast Tea it’ll be American Breakfast Tea? Or English Muffins are now American Muffins? Can’t wait. Nice job, Blair—it’s about time you stopped being a lapdog.

And you know...it's been a while........ I want these shoes:

Portland Pride Barbie!

My friend sent me an email with the new Portland-area-inspired Barbies, and I must admit I laughed my ass off. Now, with the exception of Madge, and maybe Tristan or Matt depending on how well they know Portland, this will probably go over your head.

Although really----they could work for any city, couldn't they?

I must admit I'm a little upset that there is no North Portland Barbie or St. John's Barbie. Hmph.





Vancouver Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.





Hawthorne Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Midtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.




Lake Oswego Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.





Beaverton Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.




Stark Street Barbie
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.





Clackamas Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.




West Hills Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.




Pearl District Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.




Forest Heights Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.




Estacada Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.




Gresham, Hillsboro, and other suburbs Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top Also available with a mobile home.

What's this fluffy white powder?

Portland is snowed in, people.

Now before you northerners scoff at me and say “Hmph! THAT’s not snow. I’ll show you snow,” you must first and foremost remember that I live in Portland, Oregon. We don’t get snow. Occasionally we get freezing rain and when we do get snow it doesn’t stick, and regardless it’s always cleared out in less than a day.

So this ridiculous five inches we got yesterday has completely caught us off guard. The roads are very treacherous, and Oregonians generally can’t drive in conditions like this—we’re just not used to it. And the department of transportation can only do so much—because they’re not used to it, either. And it’s just not going anywhere! It’s so cold out that it’s just…staying. It’s bizarre.

I couldn’t get my car out, so I had to take the bus to work yesterday and today, which is an adventure in itself because they’re all running behind and very slow so it has taken me an hour each time to either get to work or home. And I live two miles away. It’s been quite irritating. And I would just give up and walk home, but the sidewalks aren’t plowed so I’ve almost fallen on my ass multiple times. Not to mention I just had sinus surgery and the cold air hurts like a mo fo.

And can someone please explain to me why we are the ONLY SCHOOL open in the Portland metro area? You’d think our administrators would take that as a hint and think, “Hmm. There must be some reason why everyone is closed…what could it be?” Perhaps that it’s dangerous for your employees to drive into work? It’s so bad that chains were required on the freeways and even the damn mayor told people to stay home? That only half of your employees were even able to make it in?

No, of course not. Instead, they think “Hell no, we won’t go!” and remain open for Round 2 today.

Punks.

::::::

I watched part of the Golden Globes the other night, and was pleased to say that my favorite actor on the only TV show I watch religiously won his second little gold globe. And his acceptance speech was hilarious. Here I will attempt to put it in my post:

I love the line about “newly mown grass.”

He’s so sexy.

And what us up with Beyonce?

Clearly she does not yet understand the difference between music award shows and movie award shows. A music award show calls for slutty showgirl dresses and poses such as this, but movies tend to have a little more class. Next time, less slut, Beyonce.

And Mary-Kate...

For the love of all that is holy. She looks like a ghost. And a strong wind would take her up, up, and away. She used to be such a cute little thing. How the mighty have fallen. I mean, look at her chest! It's awful!!

Yikes.